Pay heed. These words come from the long-suffering host to multiple generations of bed bugs and are shaped by unequal parts of gut-wrenching hatred and caution. I have been so afflicted and tortured, that if provided the right means, I would happily gather them all and then:
1) Go on a quest to find Mjolnir*. Then spread them out and flatten with constant pounding.
2) String them up on bare electric lines while water-boarding them
3) Boil them for a couple of thousand years
4) Toss them into bubbling acid baths
5) Follow up with the Cruciatus curse
6) Bury them in the cores of the hottest stars
7) Still not be satisfied
I am terrified of these little fiends. Mainly because once they sink their hooks into you, there's no getting rid of them unless you burn all your possessions, and zip away at the speed of light. They linger and multiply. They're sneaky. You will never catch one mid-bite. They hide in the crack-iest of cracks. You might kill twenty today, or even a hundred, but there are always more. If you somehow manage to sniff each one out for massacre, rest assured that they've left a million eggs as pre-emptive revenge. The only solution is to pare the problem down to a state that very-closely-but-not-quite resembles complete extermination.
The day the little red bites begin to blossom, accept that you have bed bugs and go to war. Pull up your socks, then remove them and toss them in boiling water. Remember, denial equals a warm hug and an invitation to feast and breed. Harboring bed bugs does not necessarily mean that you're unhygienic or dirty (though that could be it) - these buggers hitchhike on shoelaces for crying out loud.
Throw out any pieces of furniture you've been meaning to get rid of anyway. If your mattress cost you $1000+, you can probably afford an exterminator. Call one.
If you find you cannot afford one, fear not. First off, if the mattress shows signs of extreme infestation, toss it. You're better off sleeping on a $30 air bed for a while. Vacuum the infested rooms - every nook and cranny. Twice. Steam clean every possible surface and corner. Buy food grade (and this is important, at least until the day that all forms of lung disease and cancer evolve into super-powers) diatomaceous earth and dust it into cracks and corners. On the bed (underneath the mattress of course). And every other spot that seems safe to dust. Get a can of bed bug spray from a hardware store and go nuts.
For those of you lucky enough to have avoided tangoing with these miserable wretches, buy a zippered, bed-bug protecting cover for your mattress immediately. It's one of the best investments you can make for your home. I cannot stress this enough. And for all you victims out there, this isn't a even a choice. In fact, I don't understand why there are no public health policies which force vendors to sell mattresses with bug protection. I guarantee a lifetime of votes to whoever promises to initiate this war.
(*Mjolnir is Thor's hammer. If you have had an infestation of these unholy creatures, you will agree that nothing less can possibly suffice.)
1) Go on a quest to find Mjolnir*. Then spread them out and flatten with constant pounding.
2) String them up on bare electric lines while water-boarding them
3) Boil them for a couple of thousand years
4) Toss them into bubbling acid baths
5) Follow up with the Cruciatus curse
6) Bury them in the cores of the hottest stars
7) Still not be satisfied
I am terrified of these little fiends. Mainly because once they sink their hooks into you, there's no getting rid of them unless you burn all your possessions, and zip away at the speed of light. They linger and multiply. They're sneaky. You will never catch one mid-bite. They hide in the crack-iest of cracks. You might kill twenty today, or even a hundred, but there are always more. If you somehow manage to sniff each one out for massacre, rest assured that they've left a million eggs as pre-emptive revenge. The only solution is to pare the problem down to a state that very-closely-but-not-quite resembles complete extermination.
The day the little red bites begin to blossom, accept that you have bed bugs and go to war. Pull up your socks, then remove them and toss them in boiling water. Remember, denial equals a warm hug and an invitation to feast and breed. Harboring bed bugs does not necessarily mean that you're unhygienic or dirty (though that could be it) - these buggers hitchhike on shoelaces for crying out loud.
Throw out any pieces of furniture you've been meaning to get rid of anyway. If your mattress cost you $1000+, you can probably afford an exterminator. Call one.
If you find you cannot afford one, fear not. First off, if the mattress shows signs of extreme infestation, toss it. You're better off sleeping on a $30 air bed for a while. Vacuum the infested rooms - every nook and cranny. Twice. Steam clean every possible surface and corner. Buy food grade (and this is important, at least until the day that all forms of lung disease and cancer evolve into super-powers) diatomaceous earth and dust it into cracks and corners. On the bed (underneath the mattress of course). And every other spot that seems safe to dust. Get a can of bed bug spray from a hardware store and go nuts.
For those of you lucky enough to have avoided tangoing with these miserable wretches, buy a zippered, bed-bug protecting cover for your mattress immediately. It's one of the best investments you can make for your home. I cannot stress this enough. And for all you victims out there, this isn't a even a choice. In fact, I don't understand why there are no public health policies which force vendors to sell mattresses with bug protection. I guarantee a lifetime of votes to whoever promises to initiate this war.
(*Mjolnir is Thor's hammer. If you have had an infestation of these unholy creatures, you will agree that nothing less can possibly suffice.)
